What Is 'Emotional Vocabulary' and How Can It Improve Your Relationships?
When was the last time you actually put your feelings into words? If you tend to sum up your emotional state with "I'm fine," you're not alone.
Over one in three men say they've avoided talking about their feelings to avoid seeming unmanly, according to a report from Movember. Yet nearly half wish they could open up more about their struggles, and over three quarters believe that talking is one of the most effective ways to deal with problems.
In other words, men want to share. But many of them don't have the language to put their feelings into words. Enter "emotional vocabulary", which can make vulnerability a little less scary by equipping you with the skill to talk about your emotions.
It won't erase the societal pressure to toughen up, but it can help shift the tendency to avoid discussing your feelings.
RELATED: Modern Man's Evolving Consciousness
What exactly is emotional vocabulary and why does it matter so much? Here's what you need to know -- and how to improve yours to benefit your relationships.
Emotional vocabulary is the ability to identify and express what you're feeling. It goes beyond being "happy" or "mad." For example, there are different types of happy feelings -- joy, excitement, love, hope and gratitude, to name a few. When you have a developed emotional vocabulary, you're able to describe all the nuances and complexities of your emotions.
RELATED: How Men Manage Stress by Dissociating From Their Feelings
"I would describe emotional vocabulary as having the ability to notice and feel what is happening inside your body and the ability to put this into words," says Daniel Gospodarek, LCSW, founder of Revitalize Mental Health PLLC.
While soft skills like possessing a fleshed-out emotional vocabulary are sometimes seen as innate or gendered characteristics, the truth is that, like any skill, they can be developed with intentional practice -- but, as Gospodarek notes, an emotional vocabulary can take time to develop.
Why learn this skill? Because it's important for both your well-being and your relationships.
According to couples therapist Thomas Westenholz, emotional vocabulary does two crucial things: It helps others understand you better, and it helps you process and manage strong emotions when they come up.
RELATED: Mental Health Basics That All Men Should Know
"Emotions are the glue of relationships, and the more skilled we are at expressing our emotions, the more likely we are to engage other people's empathy, get empathetic responses and connect," says Westenholz. "Also, the more clearly we can express our emotions, the better we can regulate them -- name it to tame it."
Imagine this. Your girlfriend cancels your plans at the last minute. You feel an overwhelming burst of anger. Instead of responding to her message in the heat of the moment, you pause to identify what you're feeling. You're actually more disappointed than angry -- you wanted to see her. You feel taken for granted -- it's the second time in a row she cancels on you.
Knowing this helps you communicate your emotions more effectively when you respond. And going through the process of figuring out how you feel helps you approach the conversation in a more grounded way.
RELATED: Here's How to Improve Your Communication Skills
A situation that would have created distance in your relationship has now turned into an opportunity to connect in a deeper way.
But even with the desire to grow emotionally, men often face hurdles when attempting to talk about their feelings. The first one is that vulnerability doesn't always come naturally, especially if you've been hurt in the past.
"The more judgment and trauma people have experienced, the harder emotional vulnerability seems to be for them," says Westenholz.
Maybe you've opened up before and got rejected or shamed for it. Your brain remembers that pain. It makes you on edge when the opportunity to share your truth comes up.
The answer is to slowly rebuild the ability to open up with the right people -- those who make you feel safe and seen when you share your feelings.
Another hurdle is the tendency to brush off emotions quickly. This can happen so automatically you don't even realize you're doing it. You feel something uncomfortable, but before you can even fully register it you've already started scrolling or doing something else. Expanding your emotional vocabulary starts with identifying how you feel. And you can't do that without slowing down.
RELATED: Benefits From Therapy That Change the Way You Live Life
Or you may notice that you feel something but second-guess it. You question whether you're overreacting or "right" to feel that way. This makes it harder to trust your emotional experience -- let alone share it.
The truth is, your feelings don't have to make perfect sense or be dramatic to be considered. The more you can name them without judging yourself, the easier it will be to make sense of them over time.
Ready to expand your emotional vocabulary? Wondering where to begin? It doesn't have to be complicated.
First, get in the habit of slowing down and just being.
"My go-to tip for helping others increase their ability to connect with their bodies and build emotional vocabulary is to take time in silence without distractions," says Gospodarek. "Our world moves so fast that we sometimes forget to look inward at what we feel."
Don't be surprised if this feels foreign at first, or if you can't quite figure out what you feel. It's normal and part of the process. Stay curious and practice daily.
"A daily practice is to notice sensations and write down what you notice," says Westenholz.
Also, the Wheel of Emotions is a simple visual tool that can help you explore your emotions and turn them into words. The center of the wheel features six core emotions: fear, anger, disgust, happiness, sadness and surprise. As it branches out, the emotions branch out into sub-categories that can help you pinpoint exactly what's going on with you in a given moment.
Like any new skill, building emotional vocabulary takes time and effort. But it's worth it. You'll understand yourself better. You'll show who you truly are more often. You'll be able to have more productive conversations around feelings.
You'll improve the relationships that are worth improving -- and you'll find out who isn't willing or able to meet you there. Either way, you'll be showing up with emotional clarity and empowerment. And that's a win in itself.